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Thursday, 25 October 2012

omg fb

i am in an abusive relationship... with facebook. it sucks (especially lately), but i can't imagine life without it. it shows me shit that makes me want to rip out my hair and set my face on fire, BUT I KEEP LOGGING IN. it became the way that i "met" some of the coolest people i've ever known, and we have had some fucking hallmark card moments... and some WTF moments too. this fucked up site has had me laughing silently, machine gun farting, and gasping for air while trying not to wake up the whole damn house... then in the midst of all these warm and gooey feeling and gut busting laughs, BAM!! i make the mistake of going to my newsfeed, and i see all this fucktarded shit that makes me want to nuke the whole goddamned planet. people are lucky i'm not in a position of power.

another thing i've noticed about fuckbook is that all this stupid shit that i'm sick of seeing is being done by the same types of silly little twats that also do a fuck ton of shit i LOVE seeing on the book of face. it's not enough to redeem their fucktarded online antics, but it is enough to stop me from deleting their dumb asses.

first of all.... what in the fuck is with all these goddamned NAIL PICS?! have they hit your newsfeed yet? some silly twat with eleventy bajillion different pics of her hands clutching a nail polish bottle or simply curled into a semi fist that makes me think "oh, nice. dead hooker hand." 
i don't know about you, but the bitches that do this shit around here all seem to fall into the same category: vacant eyed, zombified little assholes. it's all those fucking fumes, i tell ya. and no. i'm not bitter about the fact that i have no goddamned free time to myself, and even if i do i'm too tired to even think about my appearance, let alone those funny, ragged little things on the ends of my fingers and toes. nope. no bitterness here. FUCK.

the same type of bitch who does the 'dead hooker hand' pose to showcase her skill with glitter and nail art will usually have eleventy bajillion profile pics as well. bathroom pics, 'no make-up but idgaf cause i hot' pics, snarling trying to look bad ass pics, staring out the window on a rainy day trying to look serious pics... and if you 'like' or compliment them, they get all weird and say they're ugly so you'll tell them they're pretty AGAIN. next time, ima be all, "heyyy!!! that's a gorgeous bathroom fixture, bitch? you shop at home hardware? omg!!" 
or maybe they change their profile pics 54 times a day, and usually when the pic is posted, it is accompanied by some kind of inspirational quote or music lyric. you're not fooling anyone, bitch. you got that shit from google. 

oh, and let's not forget about the infamous 50 shades of shit or meth head mike... or whatever the fuck bitches are losing their shit over these days. sadly, posts of these nature aren't limited to the silly twats. several of my friends, and even family have fallen victim to the hype. of course that really shouldn't be that bad, right? to each their own, and all that shit, right? WRONG. try having to see your beloved 50-something auntie's posts about what she THINKS and what she'd like TO DO to christian gray. then go to a family function with her and hear about it some more, with several graphic gestures to emphasize the depth of her feelings. and people wonder why i stay the fuck home.

whew. after all this hating, you're probably wondering just why the fuck i even bother going on facebook, or why the fuck i don't just click 'unfriend' on the silly twats of the internet and stick to only friending the people i genuinely like interacting with. 

see, the thing is... these little fucktards with tits that make me go, "whore, no one cares, clean your bathroom, eat a dick, etc" while scrolling through my newsfeed actually DO have a use. it is a theory of mine that the amount of useless, annoying, and downright pointless shit that a fucktard will post on their fb page on a given day is directly proportional to the amount of priceless entertainment that they will provide with stupid questions, keyboard warrior fighting, and spelling/grammar mistakes. 

is it sad that the annoyance and mental anguish i suffer after a week's worth of compliment-fishing and dead hooker hand poses is forgotten as soon as i see bitches drunk facebook fighting on a weekend? probably. do i give a fuck? nope. because really, what would facebook be without fucktards? 

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

shit i don't get, volume 1

there's a lot of shit about relationships i don't understand. fuck tons of shit. METRIC fuck tons. things like: why are men such whiny, crybaby, selfish assheads? why do they piss on the floor when they have an organ with which they have had their WHOLE GODDAMNED LIFE to perfect their aim? why am i such a bitch? what in the sweet flying fuck is so bad about going to the store for tampons? it can't be as bad as letting wifey out into PUBLIC braless and wearing her period pants, can it? what if she kills some dumb fuck who dares get between her and the midol and/or chocolate display? that's all on YOU, bro.

as you could see, i could probably go on for MONTHS about the shit i don't get about men and women and the shit they do when they decide to shackle themselves to each other and bang sometimes. but for the sake of this post, i'll stick with one thing: SHARING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. 

a lot of couples i know do the 'what's mine is yours' thing. you know, they share shit. shit like responsibilities, kids, money... but a FB account? and THAT totally fucks with my head. imagine trying to pm a BFF, knowing that her current house-penis could read that shit too. you don't really want him to know about your new spanx that you got half price, or the hilariously embarrassing sex queef story of '09... well not if you want to be able to make eye contact with him.


what about a guy friend or a male relative? all of a sudden, some chick has them pussy whipped to the point they start sharing a FB account. so when you go to message him with something like, "hey fuckhead, come over and smoke some weed and watch the game!!! bring some beer, asshole!! :)"..... only to be bombarded 34 seconds later by, "omg, who is this? what do you want? why are you swearing at my bf???" and then of course, you have to explain to the bitch how, 24 years ago, your mother's sister got married to fuckhead sr., they did the nasty and had a baby named fuckhead jr.... and that made you cousins and NO BITCH I DON'T WANT TO BANG YOUR MAN, CALM YOUR TITS. of course, you can't really say  it like THAT, because then he won't be allowed out to play with his friends anymore... know what i mean?

so, why? is it because they are so fucking edward and bella in love that they have to stay glued at the fucking hip, shoulder, AND head.. even in cyberspace? is it because one or both doesn't trust the other and wants to keep an eye on the other's online activity? or is it just a new way of bonding? ehh, i don't fucking know. but i'll tell you one thing. it's not near as bad as those sick fucks in the fifty shades of shit book that shared a toothbrush. fucking GAG!! excuse me while i reinsert my intestines...

of course, as with anything, it does work for some people. especially older couples. that shit is fucking cute. every time i see an old couple discover the book of face and make an account with both of their sweet little names on it, and some wedding pic as their profile pic... FUCK. that shit gets more "SQUEEEE!!!" out of me than all of the cats on the internet. no lie.


i think my head just exploded <3